Dear President Obama:
I know you’re pretty busy right now and probably don’t have time to listen to a weird, hyperactive college student from Canada, but I assure you that you will be glad that you did, Mr President. Though I often stand impotent in the face of problems in my personal life, I believe I have the solution you have been hoping to find. Now I know it’s been one crisis after another, from uncertainty over whether to act in Syria to the Fiscal Cliff to the Sequester to the Final Shutdown to Obamacare to uncertainty over whether to engage with Iran to Larry Summers to Scientology. Ok that last one is not your problem yet, but I feel it’s making it’s way over to you, you know? Doesn’t all this just make you want to have a nice, smokey cigarette? Oh yeah, your wife sequestered your smoking habit 😥
…or did she shut it down? Or throw it off a fiscal cliff? What would a fiscal cliff even look like in real life? I imagine a mountain of money, and then a cliff just right at the end there. I know I’m off topic now, but I just had to ask. Let’s get back to the business of how I have solved your problem.
You see, Mr President, I fancy myself a modern day Jimmy Swaggart: able to solve the problems of others with the utmost ease while my own life is secretly in the shitter. Excuse my language, Mr President, but I understand that you are friends with Jay Z and therefore may have heard foul language before in your life. How is Jay Z by the way??? Is he enjoying his child and his messy friend Kanye? Do you and Michelle go on double dates with Beyonce and Jay? Sorry–I’m very nosy today!
Anyway, let me get to the point. The US is quickly approaching the debt ceiling for the fifteenth time in ten seconds (kidding! LOLZ). There has been talk of minting a trillion dollar coin, but this solution, along with declaring US default unconstitutional, has been nixed for primarily legal reasons but also because Republicans have stupid faces. But you know that, Mr President! In all seriousness, if a solution is not reached soon, the US is at risk of defaulting on its loans, which will roil already unstable markets and leave recipients of social security destitute.
So. There are over 3100 people who define themselves as mathematicians on their tax returns, not to mention the hundreds of thousands more who work as professors and janitors. What you need to do is take some of these people–as many as you can–and let them do some math. Only difference is they’ll be doing it for a useful purpose this time.
Bitcoin! The digital currency favored by drug dealers and libertarians alike. You put about 10,000 mathematicians to work mining Bitcoins, and in no time you will have more crypto-currency than you’ll know what to do with. Bitcoin has just crashed (again) due to the closure of major illegal drug marketplace Silk Road, so you know those Bitcoins will be worth some crazy cheese soon. And I know that there are only 10.5 million Bitcoins left to be mined, as it’s a finite currency, but, as you know, we as a society give our currency value by agreeing that it’s valuable. So, while deflation of Bitcoin is arguably inevitable (and desirable if you’re of the Austrian persuasion), we can mine low and sell high before deflation occurs, thus giving the government sufficient fiat currency to pay its bills. (Where fiat=not psycho-loonytoon currency.) Just don’t spend it too fast, or you’ll prove Rand Paul a wise man. And that would be hard to recover from, both politically and personally.
Perhaps you are wondering what the US would do without all those mathematicians working hard to solve…math stuff. Well since the unemployment rate of mathematicians is lower than the national average, you don’t have a sufficient pool to draw from. But guess what? Millions of people are unemployed in the US–just give them the jobs! Like math professor? What’s that? It’s pretty much babysitting a bunch of hungover first-years who are too busy wondering whether they’ve contracted an STI to pay attention. And what does a mathematician do? According to some guy called G. H. Hardy, a mathematician is a “maker of patterns.” So they’re pretty much glorified seamstresses.
Now Mr. President I know you have one more question: What will you do with all the extra time you will have now that you don’t have to bicker with Republicans and keep Biden from talking to the press? Actually still do that second thing… But my advice is for you to take some time. Watch some Hannah Montana with your family, kick back, and enjoy a delicious tar ciggie. Your wife won’t mind–after all, you’ve just saved the world from certain doom.