Breaking up is hard to do

image: Glamour

When a relationship ends, at least one party usually has a hard time letting go. This can result in drunk texts, too much Adele, and the occasional restraining order. But, as the Jonas Brothers have taught us, breaking up and letting go is a necessary part of life.

So why do some politicians insist on holding on for dear life long after it is clear that they suck at their job, they are bad at not doing illegal shit, everyone hates them, or all of the above? I know the job market is bad, but these people need to LET GO IMMEDIATELY. It’s just not working out.

THE CANADIAN PRESS/Chris Young

Sorry buddy, it’s over. Not only have the police recovered the infamous “crack video,” but Ford apparently called a radio station last night pretending to be “Ian from Etobicoke,” a rather irate character who was belligerent and steadfast in his defense of Rob Ford. “Ian from Etobicoke” may be destined to become the next “jumping the shark.” To be honest, I never want Ford to stop being the mayor, but others seem to frown on ridiculous people in charge of important stuff. Different strokes…

Wallin incurred these expenses walking from her car to the studio.

I have far far less sympathy for this one. Former broadcast journalist and Senator-for-now Pamela Wallin is under fire for improperly claiming north of $140,000 in travel and living expenses. Wallin’s lawyer called the Senate’s deliberation of a motion that would have her suspended without pay a “fundamental affront to Canadian democracy.” Really? Attempting to punish an unelected official for “accidentally” claiming hundreds of thousands of taxpayers’ dollars is an affront to democracy? Bitch please. You couldn’t even show up to say that in person–you had to pay your lawyer $2,000 for that. Or did the taxpayers take care of the bill?

I can’t believe how anyone could be this entitled. Yet Wallin sees herself as a victim, lamenting that losing her health benefits is a “troubling prospect for a cancer survivor.” Yep–she played the cancer card. And on the meager $132,000/year she’s been living on for the past five years, there’s no way she put some money aside to buy health insurance. Nope, I have no sympathy for this woman.

image: Syrian Govt Press Office

There are some headlines that make you stop in your tracks and exclaim “WHAT THE FUCK???!!!” I had one of those moments recently at the gym when I saw this jaunty little headline flash across the television: “Bashar al-Assad won’t rule out a run for re-election.” So many things wrong with this statement. First of all, was he even elected? Second, that headline makes him sound like a plucky and coy but popular politician whose country is awaiting his/her decision with bated breath–that’s something the media might say about Justin Trudeau or Hilary Clinton.

The reality is that this man is a batshit psychopath whose mere presence as Syria’s head of state has caused the death of at least 80,000 people, and that’s not counting the victims of his crackdowns before the civil war. It makes me want to break stuff when Reuters gives us a headline like “Assad mulls re-election.” You mull over what kind of tea to have or if you should buy that pair of moccasins. When you are presiding over the bloodiest civil war in recent memory, you don’t mull, you GO AWAY IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE YOU WERE SHITTY AT YOUR JOB.

image: AFP/Getty/Daniel Garcia

Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner hasn’t done anything terrible of which there is proof. Argentina’s financial house seems to be in order, with low, stable inflation and respectable GDP figures reported by the government. The official GDP growth estimate was 3% in the first quarter of 2013. Argentine opposition groups met this claim with outrage and calculated a figure of their own: 0.5%. The Economist announced last year it would no longer include Argentina in its weekly growth stats due to chronic inaccuracies, and published this helpful little chart to illustrate the point:

The Economist

Hm. All of this is symptomatic of an administration that lies with abandon, fails to act as a prudent steward of the economy, is accused of cronyism, and attempts to stifle dissonance through legal maneuvers and threats. And most of these things–though lamentable–are not uncommon in many Latin American countries. But a few weeks ago, Kirchner had to get blood drained from her head as the result of an earlier, mysterious head injury. This is in addition to a host of other health problems she has faced. Before her party’s disappointing performance in recent elections, she was expected to attempt to change the constitution to secure a third term. WHY? Why run around being a little despot and hitting your head everywhere because it’s grown too large when you could just buy an island and retire on it? Time to let it go, girl.

Robert Mugabe practically invented the art of clinging to power long after power has grown emotionally unavailable and disinterested. As President of Zimbabwe since 1987 and PM from 1980-87, he presided over the greatest looting of a country’s natural resources in history. Zimbabwe was once known as the breadbasket of Africa, but after years of corruption, frequent bouts of hyperinflation, and horribly misguided agricultural reforms, Mugabe has turned Zimbabwe into a poor, politically unstable nation.

His party ZANU-PF sent youth militias to use gang rape and beatings as a political weapon in the disastrous 2008 elections, and the legitimacy of Zimbabwean elections has been doubted by international observers for years. Also, Mugabe is a dinosaur–at 89, he is well past the age where one can be expected to safely operate a motor vehicle. Why is he allowed to run a country? On the upside, a Zimbabwean court recently declared unconstitutional a law that prohibits the utterance of hurtful statements about Mugabe. Great–now I have the freedom to say what I feel: GET LOST, DUMBASS. YOU HAVE RUINED COUNTLESS LIVES AND ARE TERRIBLE AT YOUR JOB.

Is being a politician so awesome that these people and many other turds like them cling to the job? If they would just let go, they might find that it’s nice not to have millions of people depending on them to run their country effectively. But maybe that’s why these ones hold on: because they don’t feel the obligation or pressure to do shit well. And that’s exactly why they must go. (But not Rob Ford. Please no.) Someone get these idiots an Adele CD and some wine coolers.

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