It is common practice in most classrooms for the instructor to assure students there are no stupid questions, but that’s just not true. My favorite stupid questions as of late invariably relate to the revelations that Canada and the US have been spying on a bunch of our allies, most notably Brazil and Germany. Both of these nations have demanded “answers” and “explanations” from us. What the hell do they expect us to say? The answer is that we are incredibly shitty, but I guess that’s not quite what they’re looking for here.
However, I remain slightly confused as to what they expect us to say, as no explanation or answer is really going to help anything at this point. Most of these demands likely have to do with not wanting to be perceived as weak by their own citizens and by a world in which spooks are waiting in the wings for a moment of vulnerability, at which point they will swoop in and impose communism. Or Nazism?
But maybe Brazil and Germany’s leaders honestly think that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation that will exonerate Canada and the US and let relations get back to normal. It is in this hope that I present this list of possible (probable) explanations for the reports of espionage by Canada and the United States. Because “we are incredibly shitty” just won’t cut it.
President Obama has a huge crush on Angela Merkel and wanted to see if she had a boyfriend
Obama went as far as to tap her cellphone when he found flirty texts from French President Hollande in Merkel’s inbox. Chill out, Obama–you guys are both married! I know you both share an awkward love of beer and being leaders of countries, but will that help you choke down the rouladen and liverwurst? Fall back, Obama. If she wasn’t interested before, she sure isn’t into you after this little stunt!
- The Canadian Press
Harper was trying to protect Brazil from Nazis
As much as it looks like a case of industrial espionage, the real, top-secret reason for Canada’s surveillance of Brazil’s mining and energy ministry was to protect Brazil from an imminent Nazi invasion. Maybe it seems like I took this from the plot of the Cary Grant movie Notorious, but sometimes reality imitates art. This explanation is likely true, as Canada’s confirmed BFF Israel has been monitoring the situation for some time and was able to warn us in time. So Brazil owes us a big thank-you hug! …but maybe send us chocolates instead–we wouldn’t want Harper to end up with an awkward secret crush on a fellow head of state like some people.
The US spied on Mexico because Joe Biden wanted insider info on potential bro Pena Nieto
Yes–this is far-fetched. However, when you’re 70 years old and have a tendency to run your mouth, it can get lonely, especially when your boss is busy macking on a stern German lady. It was discovered last month that the NSA hacked into Pena Nieto’s email while he was still campaigning for the Mexican Presidency. Obama has professed to have no knowledge of this spying (does this imply that he knew about the other stuff?), so that leaves Biden. This guy left the US in the middle of the debate over whether the US should strike Syria’s government to visit Pena Nieto, though he cancelled a scheduled trip to Panama soon after. And look at how happy he looks there! Is that because he learned from sifting through Pena Nieto’s private emails that the Mexican President prefers chilaquiles and a michelada after a night of heavy drinking? I’d say he’s in as long as he can speak Spanish better than George W. Bush….but a drunken pigeon can speak Spanish better than Dubya, so Biden’s good.
George W. Bush actually initiated the spying on Mexican officials to improve his piss-poor Spanish
“But wait!” the discerning reader will exclaim. “It is reported that the NSA initiated its surveillance on top Mexican officials years before the bro-bug bit Biden!” Yes, discerning, alliteration-loving reader. It was actually Dubya who dreamed up this spying scheme in a bid to learn to speak “fancy-style Spanish.” The hapless former President found he could make himself understood when asking for a hotel with two single beds, but ran into trouble when he tried to discuss foreign policy or other smart-person stuff. And when he tried to speak of these things in Spanish, he was even less successful. He tried to enlist the help of Rosetta Stone, but concluded that it would make more sense to spy on officials to learn authentic “Mexico talk.” His reasoning was that Mexicans seem to have different ways of saying things. For example, he heard Spaniards refer to him as “el Presidente de los Estados Unidos,” whereas in Mexico they frequently called him “ese pinche pendejo.” Further confusion abounded when former Mexican President Calderon referred to Bush simply as “el tarugo ese.” Dubya may have to take this riddle to the grave….
The US put France under surveillance due to reports of animal abuse
After learning that the French for real eat frog legs, top US officials commented: “WTF?? That’s an actual thing? We thought it was just a racist stereotype!” They then began monitoring France’s communications because of the enormous threat this gastronomical practice posed to frogs everywhere. One of the US government’s top foreign and domestic policy initiatives has in recent years been the protection of the rights of animals everywhere….ok I’m fooling no one with this crap.
Canada and the US spy on their allies because we are shitty.
There is no plausible explanation that justifies it. There is no Hitchcockian plot twist executed by Cary Grant to save our dignity. But who needs dignity when you can make a boatload of cash by conducting industrial espionage on your allies? Haha sucker-fool allies–now who’s the tarugo?