Harper’s Throne Speech 2013, revised version

At each opening of Parliament, the ruling party is given the opportunity to address Canadians through a representative of the British monarch. This is called a Throne Speech. It’s a great chance to say vaguely flattering things about Canadians to distract them from the fact that the government has done the exact opposite of what it proposed in the last speech. Actually I don’t know if that’s always been true, and after trying to read the most recent Throne Speech, I am in no mood to read more. Now I understand why Rob Ford was sleeping at work: He was reading that stupid speech.

Our government recognizes the value of a competent public serv….SNORE!

Let me clarify: I care deeply about the politics of our country. I just think that they could do with some spicing up–and truthifying–whenever Harper is controlling the content. Who could forget his performance in the 2011 Federal Leaders Debate? Snooze–shut up about the dumb economy already!

So without further ado, I present my revised, truthified version of Harper’s 2013 Throne Speech–Chad Kroeger and all:

Honourable Senators,

Devaan Ingraham / The Canadian Press

Members of the House of Commons,

Fred Chartrand / Associated Press

Ladies and gentlemen,

Peter J. Thompson / The Ottawa Citizen

Let us begin this day together by honoring in silent shame the union of two of our most obnoxious citizens, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger, in holy matrimony. May you keep your spawn far from our land. I suggest China so you can “keep an eye on them” for an advantage in trade negotiations and whatnot.

I come before you today as a proud Canadian in a nation that has an unverified yet numerous number of these. I bear the happy wishes and deep affection of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of Canada. Prince Harry also says cheers and asks how stringently are our laws on public nudity enforced?

Parliamentarians, you gather today with the medium confidence and obscenely low expectations of Canadians. Remember that our nation has embraced a unique set of indelible qualities that you can choose to disregard in your deliberations in this Parliament if you are having a bad day or are still a little bit drunk from last night.

Consider this: We are inclusive. We are a nation of 35 million people gathered from every part of the world. We let British criminal Conrad Black come live here even after he clearly stated that he would rather be trampled by a herd of wild boars than live in Canada. We welcome the contribution of all stateless criminals, regardless of ego size. Canada is large enough for everyone! (Where everyone=white rich dudes.)

Consider this: We are selfless. Giving lies in our very nature, which is why Nigel Wright hesitated not one moment before whipping out his personal chequebook to cover Mike Duffy’s improperly claimed expenses. It may have cost him his job, but it gained him a spot in Webster’s Dictionary beside the phrase “taking one for the team.” And that’s how we Canadians define selflessness.

Today, as we contemplate our 150th anniversary, the eyes and ears and expectations of over two dozen Canadians with nothing better to do turn toward this Parliament, in trust that those who stand here in their place will amuse them more than Seinfeld reruns or an online job application.

Let us not disappoint. And with that spirit and direction, let us turn now to the present.

Two and a half years ago, Canadians gave our Government a strong mandate: a mandate to launch an economic action plan that had no tangible result except to bolster the sign-making industry; a mandate to eliminate superfluous copper from our nation; a mandate to get some adorable pandas; a mandate to in fact change Canada’s name to Harper Canada for clarity and simplicity.

macleans.ca

Despite ongoing uncertainty and general cray-ness from beyond our shores, our Government remains focused on these priorities. We made tough choices-the rightish choices for Harper Canadian families and kittens. The results are clear: more Harper Canadians have Harper Canada’s Economic Action Plan pamphlets than ever before; families are receiving a $4/year tax return for signing their kids up for ballet lessons; our financial house is having a bumpin’ afterparty unfettered by stupid, heavy, dumb pennies.

This is Harper Canada’s moment; together we will seize it by hiding it in an eleventy-million-page Omnibus bill so that by the time we take possession of it there will be nothing anyone can do.

In the wise words of Harper Canadian “musician” Chad Kroeger:

“Against the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice”

We must seize this moment to secure prosperity and more pandas–MILLIONS OF PANDAS–for Harper Canadians now, and the penniless generations to follow.

Harper Canada for the win!

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