Sh*t Maduro says

I just finished writing a monster of a comparative piece on Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez and Brazil’s Lula. My head hurts and I am both confused and outraged. Stay tuned for that. In the meantime, I uncovered a plethora of rhetorical gems from Chavez’s successor, Nicolas Maduro. Unlike Chavez, whose diatribes were fairly consistent (George W. Bush=Hitler/Satan, capitalism=bad), ol’ Wildcard Maduro seems to reside in a magical fantasyland of talking birds and evil superheroes. It’s awesome for me, though not so much for the Venezuelan people.

image: heavy.com

Ongoing Chav-bird Drama

Maduro claims that the late Hugo Chavez appeared to him in the form of a bird. This appearance coincided with Maduro’s campaign to succeed Chavez, but that’s an irrelevant detail. What did Bird-Chavez tell him?

Maduro explained, “I felt him there, like he was giving us his blessing, saying: ‘Today the battle starts. Go to the victory. You have our blessings.’ That is how I felt it in my soul.”

Hmm…..and then what?

“Then I stared at him and whistled back… The bird looked strange at me, right? He whistled for a little while, flew around and left, and I felt the spirit of [Chavez],” said Maduro.

And you’re sure he wasn’t looking at you strange because you are a grown man whistling at a little bird? Nah…

Chav-bird appeared again in June, but Maduro was pretty vague about the details of their conversation. That’s the thing about Bird language–you gotta use it or you’ll lose it.

Quoting the Bible

“Multiply ourselves, like Christ multiplied the penises.”

I know, it’s a low blow to make fun of someone’s less than perfect English language skills, especially when he’s quoting the Bible…but I never claimed to be a good person. I sure hope he speaks Bird better than this!

On how Spiderman directly contributes to Venezuela’s crime rate

“This kid, at 14 years old, carries a 9mm with a mind filled by thousands of hours of shows where people are killed,” Maduro said, according to the Bolivian newspaper La Opinión. “I start to think how many thousands of hours of violence that kid will have consumed, in the end, stimulated by consumerism and violence when he grabs a 9 mm and goes to kill.”

Gee–no one has ever connected the media with violence before! However, Mr. Maduro will be heartened to learn that many species of birds eat spiders. If Chav-bird does, then Spidey is toast 🙂

Asked to speculate on Spiderman’s motives for causing such strife and suffering in Venezuela, he had this to say:

“Stimulated by such consumerism and violence, no wonder he goes out and kills.”

Let’s go ahead and blow past that one…

Maduro waves to the crowd as he and his fellow riders take a spin around the center of Caracas.

image: Reuters

On crashing into mayor of Caracas on a bike and then falling down

“Let he who falls get up again and he who gets up again, keep on pushing.”

Words worthy of the great liberator Simon Bolivar himself. Except that you are the leader of a whole goddamn country and you don’t have the wherewithal to carry on a conversation and ride a bicycle at the same time. Get your shit together son.

Randomly expelling three US diplomats at an official ceremony

“Out of Venezuela! Yankees go home! Enough of abuse against the dignity of a peace-loving nation,” he said.

Surprise! You guys officially suck. I know that you were in cahoots with Spiderman, btw.

image: Alessando Bianchi/Reuters

On the selection process of Pope Francis

“We know that our commander ascended to the heights and is face-to-face with Christ. Something influenced the choice of a South American pope, someone new arrived at Christ’s side and said to him: ‘Well, it seems to us South America’s time has come.”

Someone new? Who could that be?!

Chavez “may also call a constitutional assembly in Heaven at any moment to change the church on Earth.”

Oh I get it. How does Maduro know all this though? Did Chav-bird tell him?

image: ultimasnoticias.com.ve

Insulting opponent Henrique Capriles by calling him gay

“I do have a wife, you know? I do like women!” Maduro told a rally. He has also called Capriles “a little princess.”

Burn! He’s like totally gay.

NB: This blogger would like to take this opportunity to offer to marry Capriles because he’s a stone cold dreamboat. Just sayin’.

Backpedaling after backlash over immature Capriles comments

“If I were homosexual I would be proud about it and I would love whoever I loved with my heart, without problem,” he said.

OK princess.

But Capriles probably won’t get to enjoy his homosexual lifestyle for long…

“We have detected plans by the far right, linked to the groups of (former Bush administration officials) Roger Noriega and Otto Reich, to make an attempt against the opposition presidential candidate,” Nicolas Maduro said.

Gee it’s nice that they’re so concerned about his safety (:

…or are they?

“The first thing we have to do is shoot [Capriles] legally, make him resign his office, and take him prisoner.”

Whaaa? Oh sorry this was taken out of context. This is right after Maduro accused Capriles of bringing in Colombian mercenaries to destabilize Venezuela. It all makes sense now….?!

All I have to say about this, Maduro, is that when you’ve retired and live in an arboretum with Chav-bird, and when all the Spidermen and Capriles and US diplomats have been defeated, just still never stop talking. Because it brings so many people so much joy.

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